What is the alternative to pointing at the thing that you didn't want to happen ?
What is the alternative to pointing at the thing that dipleased you, angered you, that you were unhappy with ?
Is it possible to outline what you think would have been the best thing to do or say ?
What should have been done? What do you wish you had done ? What was the best thing to say /do ?
What was the better way to manage that situation ? Was there a better way or was it really ok ?
I want you to pay your dues on time in future.
Let's go over the pros and cons of the argument and hopefully come to some agreement about this. Hopefully in going over all the reasons for and against, you will understand why I want you to do it the way i asked. Hopefully you will agree with the conclusion I reached or that a better conclusion will be drawn.
Let me explain what I see as my priorities and how they affect the argument.
I didn't want you to do that, I wanted you to do this ....
I think you shouldn't have done that, I think it would have been better to do it like this....
I wish you hadn't done it that way, I hoped you would do it this way ...
I wanted you to achieve the following points 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,. I'm pleased that you managed to fulfill points 1, 2, 5, but I am disappointed that you failed on points 3 & 4. What happened? Did you not understand what I wanted or did you meet some difficulties that you couldn' t find solutions to ? I hope we can identify a strategy to succeed on points 3 & 4 in future.
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
What do I really mean by the nasty names / abusive use of metaphor ?
When someone does something that displeases you, it is so easy to call them a nasty name or to use a metaphor which says that they are something nasty ( that obviously they are not )
It is inaccurate, generalised, exaggerated to name call e.g "You fool"
If I make a mistake, if I do something stupid, it is easy to say of myself, " You fool. you idiot, you nutter"
Is that name true ? Does it depend on how big the mistake was or on the number of times I have now done that or similar mistakes ? If a highly qualified, successful professional is driving and makes a mistake, cutting me up or reversing into a barrier is it true to say of them , 'You fool'?
The fool and the wise man are really mythic poles that don't exist. They are imaginary characters at either extreme of behaviour.
I think the key point is to judge the action / idea and not to try to judge the whole person.
I behaved in a foolish way, I behaved like a fool there, I'm sorry. I behaved as 'The fool' would have done.
You have behaved foolishly, You have done a very foolish thing, You have acted the fool.
Just becaue I / you acted foolishly does not mean that it is correct to say ' I am a fool', in the same way that if the numerical answer was 100 and you give the answer 55 then you have failed to give the correct answer.
These phrases are better than judging the whole person but still obscure, what do you really mean?
There is an argument about every possible course of action or opinion.
There are valid reasons for doing it and valid reasons against doing it.
There are advantages and disadvantages to everything,
Every silver lining has a cloud. Every cloud has a silver lining.
To every pro there is a con.
I think it is best to say, ' Although I can see there were a,,b,c reasons in favour of doing what you did there are reasons x, y, z against doing that, because of my priorities I think you made a mistake there. I think that you did not do the best thing, you should have done this...'. " Well I didn't want it to turn out this way either, I realise that I made a poor choice but it wasn't obvious at the time. I should have done this... "
Compare:
She is a cow V She as acted harshly / cruelly
bitch I think that she should allow her children's dad to see his children. I think that she is hindering their development by not doing so .
I think she is acting meanly, monstrously
I think she has acted like a monster
It is inaccurate, generalised, exaggerated to name call e.g "You fool"
If I make a mistake, if I do something stupid, it is easy to say of myself, " You fool. you idiot, you nutter"
Is that name true ? Does it depend on how big the mistake was or on the number of times I have now done that or similar mistakes ? If a highly qualified, successful professional is driving and makes a mistake, cutting me up or reversing into a barrier is it true to say of them , 'You fool'?
The fool and the wise man are really mythic poles that don't exist. They are imaginary characters at either extreme of behaviour.
I think the key point is to judge the action / idea and not to try to judge the whole person.
I behaved in a foolish way, I behaved like a fool there, I'm sorry. I behaved as 'The fool' would have done.
You have behaved foolishly, You have done a very foolish thing, You have acted the fool.
Just becaue I / you acted foolishly does not mean that it is correct to say ' I am a fool', in the same way that if the numerical answer was 100 and you give the answer 55 then you have failed to give the correct answer.
These phrases are better than judging the whole person but still obscure, what do you really mean?
There is an argument about every possible course of action or opinion.
There are valid reasons for doing it and valid reasons against doing it.
There are advantages and disadvantages to everything,
Every silver lining has a cloud. Every cloud has a silver lining.
To every pro there is a con.
I think it is best to say, ' Although I can see there were a,,b,c reasons in favour of doing what you did there are reasons x, y, z against doing that, because of my priorities I think you made a mistake there. I think that you did not do the best thing, you should have done this...'. " Well I didn't want it to turn out this way either, I realise that I made a poor choice but it wasn't obvious at the time. I should have done this... "
Compare:
She is a cow V She as acted harshly / cruelly
bitch I think that she should allow her children's dad to see his children. I think that she is hindering their development by not doing so .
I think she is acting meanly, monstrously
I think she has acted like a monster
What do you really mean? 'I hate you' or ' I hate what you did / said '
What do people mean in plain english by the names they call others?
What is the truth ? What is correct ? What is accurate ? How do I feel about what was done or said ?
I think that it is usually inaccurate, generalised, exaggerated to say, " I hate you".
What people more accurately mean is, "I hate something you have done or an opinion you supported "
I hate that opinion that you just approved of, I think it is not caring or reasonable. I'm puzzled as to how you don't feel embarrassed / ashamed to hold it.
I hate the way you spoke to me, I think that you need to try to be more considerate.
It really irritates me that the first sentence of your reply is often to contradict what I say. As a default habit you should really start a reply by firstly acknowledging the points in what the other person has said that you agree with before going on to explain where you differ. "Usually I try to start by outlining where I agree with others but I'm afraid I can see no common ground with your position, I think that what you have said is almost entirely nonsense". Actually people often sensibly use shorthand, 'Nonsense, do it like I told you!
Maybe it is a good policy to try to put things in a caring, gentle way
I'm sorry but I find that music unbearable, I just need to switch it off, it is depressing me
I'm sorry but I just need to turn you off, I'm getting tortured, it feels like torture, I can't stand it
Millions might enjoy the sound of your voice but I'm afraid I can't be a fan, I need to turn you off
I find it interesting to speak in a subjective way, how I feel about it, what I like / enjoy. Everyone has different tastes. One man's meat is another man's poison.
Do you like that piece of music ? I'm sorry, it just drives me up the wall. We have different tastes in that matter.
I strongly disagree with that proposal.
I think you are not correct about that point, I think that is not the correct date.
I didn't want it done that way, I didn't want you to do that. I think you should not have done that
What is the truth ? What is correct ? What is accurate ? How do I feel about what was done or said ?
I think that it is usually inaccurate, generalised, exaggerated to say, " I hate you".
What people more accurately mean is, "I hate something you have done or an opinion you supported "
I hate that opinion that you just approved of, I think it is not caring or reasonable. I'm puzzled as to how you don't feel embarrassed / ashamed to hold it.
I hate the way you spoke to me, I think that you need to try to be more considerate.
It really irritates me that the first sentence of your reply is often to contradict what I say. As a default habit you should really start a reply by firstly acknowledging the points in what the other person has said that you agree with before going on to explain where you differ. "Usually I try to start by outlining where I agree with others but I'm afraid I can see no common ground with your position, I think that what you have said is almost entirely nonsense". Actually people often sensibly use shorthand, 'Nonsense, do it like I told you!
Maybe it is a good policy to try to put things in a caring, gentle way
I'm sorry but I find that music unbearable, I just need to switch it off, it is depressing me
I'm sorry but I just need to turn you off, I'm getting tortured, it feels like torture, I can't stand it
Millions might enjoy the sound of your voice but I'm afraid I can't be a fan, I need to turn you off
I find it interesting to speak in a subjective way, how I feel about it, what I like / enjoy. Everyone has different tastes. One man's meat is another man's poison.
Do you like that piece of music ? I'm sorry, it just drives me up the wall. We have different tastes in that matter.
I strongly disagree with that proposal.
I think you are not correct about that point, I think that is not the correct date.
I didn't want it done that way, I didn't want you to do that. I think you should not have done that
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
Emotional literacy, expressing feelings
This isn't a new idea, it just highlights an idea that I find helpful to focus on.
The core principle is to put a name to the emotions you have experienced.
How do you feel about what happened?
Take the feeling excitement for example, some of the various phrases that it can be used in are : "I found it exciting", " I was excited to hear that I would be going on the trip ", " I'm excited to be going ", " How exciting ! " , "That's exciting", "It excites me", "This is so exciting", " Exciting! ", "I feel excited about it"
I think it is a slight advantage to be specific and comment on the individual action / idea in terms of your emotions / feelings. e.g
I'm unhappy that you did that
It upset me that you said that
I was annoyed that he did that
I was furious that he broke my ipod
I was dismayed when he forgot to bring the presentation to the meeting
I was relieved when I managed to give a reasonable talk even without my notes
I hate what you did, it was cruel, you must never do that again, you should be caring
He has sometimes said nasty things to me
You don't seem to be fully concentrating on the job, what is the matter that is distracting you?
What are you worrying about ?
The core principle is to put a name to the emotions you have experienced.
How do you feel about what happened?
Take the feeling excitement for example, some of the various phrases that it can be used in are : "I found it exciting", " I was excited to hear that I would be going on the trip ", " I'm excited to be going ", " How exciting ! " , "That's exciting", "It excites me", "This is so exciting", " Exciting! ", "I feel excited about it"
I think it is a slight advantage to be specific and comment on the individual action / idea in terms of your emotions / feelings. e.g
I'm unhappy that you did that
It upset me that you said that
I was annoyed that he did that
I was furious that he broke my ipod
I was dismayed when he forgot to bring the presentation to the meeting
I was relieved when I managed to give a reasonable talk even without my notes
I hate what you did, it was cruel, you must never do that again, you should be caring
He has sometimes said nasty things to me
You don't seem to be fully concentrating on the job, what is the matter that is distracting you?
What are you worrying about ?
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